OK this video by R.E.M is more annoying that funny but I thought I’d include it anyway.

From the outset of the video I want to hit Michael Stipe. Who thought it would be a good idea for him to be doing callesthetics when he’s dressed like a tool 0:22? I don’t mind the B52 girl dancing that way but only because she doesn’t look like an absolute goof. Plus she’s hot even though she’s about 50 in the video.

This song always leaves me in a foul mood. It’s meant to cheer people up but it has the total reverse effect. It’s like Stipe is aware of this all throughout the song and is goading me with “I know I’m making you want to die! That’s why I’m dancing like a monkey boy!”.

There’s a bit of a reprieve at 1:20 when Peter Buck looks about as pleased as I do when watching this video.  It’s as if he’s thinking “If I have to listen to this song one more time I’m gonna wrap my mandolin around Stipe’s head”

Ok, since when was Rick Moranis a member of R.E.M. I’m referring to 1:26. I didn’t know he could sing. I’m impressed.

By the time I’ve reached 1:40 I’m incapacitated with misery. I’ve even started hallucinating. I even mistook the line “Everyone  around, love them! Love them!” for “Everyone around, KILL THEM! KILL THEM!”. I was even grasping out for a fork.

At 2:30 we’re introduced to the old man who was hobbling along at the start of the song, along with the sad strings bit that was in the intro. Perhaps like me he’s had enough of this song and is off to take a long walk off a short cliff. Who knows.

From 2:45 onwards the entire audience has joined in the act of bouncing around like twats. I don’t mind this so much as it means I can’t see Michael Stipe as clearly which is good. But it also means I’ve lost sight of Kate Pierson’s rack. Such are the sacrifices in life.

The song then manages to find another 12 choruses before it’s finally all over and I can breathe again without wanting to shit everywhere.

I’ve a confession to make. I’ve never liked Joy Division and this video changes nothing, but it doesn’t stop it being funny.

If you don’t know the Joy Division story then you aren’t missing out on much. Basically the singer Ian Curtis became depressed beyond tablets and hung himself because he knew the music they were creating was woeful. Joy Division then became New Order who continued on the fine tradition of creating woeful music. Instead of hanging himself the new lead singer Bernard Sumner cured his depression by devouring copious amounts of Carlsberg and chips.

This TV performance of She’s Lost Control is a perfect example of how bad they could be live.

Note : The fun only really begins at 0:54 so you can skip to that point if you can’t handle the band’s funeral dirge.

At this part of the song Ian Curtis swings into life as the guitarist showed the UK that he could actually play barre chords. Ian immediately enters the groove and starts dancing like your grandmother at a wedding.

He continues to work himself up throughout the next verse until he finally explodes at 1:37. Now many Joy Divison fans will profess that Ian Curtis’s dancing after this point is the height of cool. I’m here to swiftly dispel such lies. It looks like he’s running on an invisible treadmill for fucks sake and he’s worried that it’s going too fast and he’s gonna fall off the back of it.

The song continues on with the hapless chisel-chinned drummer trying to set a new world record for performing as many pointless drum fills as he possibly can in a vain attempt to waken up most of the UK who were now bored to tears by this point.

It continues. We have another boring verse about someone losing control. I can understand why someone would lose control whilst listening to this song, I nearly pissed myself deliberately just to feel alive. No wonder Joy Division fans cut themselves with garden trowels. I would if I was tone-deaf and could listen to this filth without feeling violated.

It continues.

“She’s lost control again! She’s lost control! She’s lost control again, she’s lost CONTROOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLL!”

Curtis returns to his invisible treadmill act, only this time he seems to be running horizontally. Perhaps he thinks he is being attacked by invisble bats like Johnny Depp in Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas? Who knows. I would have asked Ian himself but I doubt I’d have received a response.

Anyway, he continues on “dancing” until the end of the song. You get the impression he knows he looks like a twat and wants to stop but knows that if he stops dancing he’ll look like even more of a twat.  The rest of the band do their best to ignore him, as do the studio audience.

And after 3:39 of something which made waterboarding look like fun, it’s over. Hallejuah.

Be prepared for all kinds of awesome. This is the single best song I’ve ever heard in my life. It is called Inverti in Darkness by Kei Kunihiro and I’m convinced that within the largely incomprehensible lyrics lies the meaning of life.

The track starts with a terrifying MIDI drum and guitar intro before Kunihiro takes the mike to whisper the most chilling of all statements “Too much blood. In my bathroom!” following it up with  “I kiss the bloody chainsaw, I kiss the bloody axe”. “Too much blood! Too much blooooood!!!”. It’s clear from this moment that Kunihiro is not someone to be fucked with. If he ever invited me around to house for lobster and asked if I wanted to go to the bathroom, I’d stay the fuck clear of there!

Kunihiro plods along until the song hits it’s amazing bridge which includes the world beating refrain “I washy my hands, oba and oba!” although it sounds like he’s singing “I washy my hands ober under ober”. A rockstar who promotes hygeine!?! Ladies, start your engines!

Now we all know Kunihiro is a badass but suddenly he has a change of heart in the chorus where he starts shouting “Aye-yay-yay-yay-yay-yay-I’m innocent!”. What the hell? A minute ago he was some chainsaw wielding deviant who spent all of his days in his bathroom washing the blood off his hands. Now he’s innocent. What brought about the change of heart? Did he find Jesus within those 2 seconds?

Kunihiro then attempts to explain himself in the next part of the song, with a profound confessional line that even John Lennon would be proud of if he wasn’t already shot to pieces “I was a very ordinary child. I’m just an average human being”. Kunihiro immediately switches back into badass mode by declaring proudly with a menacing grin on his face “IIIIIIIII killed them – oh I killed them – I washy my hands!”.

At 2:19 the song begins to gain momentum. Kei lets off a spooky shriek before starting on another menancing refrain of “TOO MUCH BLOOD! TOO MUCH BLOOD!” only this time louder and more regimented than before. At this point I knew in my heart of hearts that Kei was worse than a millenium of Ted Bundy’s. That was until he checked his watch at 2:23.

Quick Tip : If you’re trying to portray yourself as an axe wielding rockstar – learn the timing of the song before you record it. Otherwise you just look like a retard when checking your watch. The video then cuts to pictures of Kei smiling at 2:26, obviously dreaming of all of the women he’ll have as a megastar.

Just in case you missed it, at 2:30 he stretches out like he’s just let out a fart. Yes, I had to make you aware of that.

He sets new standards of incoherency at 2:42 when he shouts “PRISON AIN’T SHIT!!” over and over again. What’s he trying to say? That prison isn’t actually shit and that he had a swell time in there being ass-raped? Or is he saying that he is too hard and scary for prison? I think it’s the latter but who knows!

We take a turn towards the hilarious at 2:47 when Kunihiro basically loses the plot. He starts singing like he’s posessed by the spirit of Lizzie Borden and totally breaks down. It quickly becomes apparent that he hasn’t actually finished writing the song but that doesn’t stop him yelling crazy shit “Pweaze help me! Help me from my distant hole!!!!!” over a dull thudding synthetic bassline. A few more checks of his watch later and he’s finished.

Notice the girl in the background and how she seemingly wants the ground to swallow her up. Either that or she has narcolepsy.  But who wouldn’t have narcolepsy if they knew Kei Kunihiro?

Don’t miss this excellent interview with Kei Kunihiro about the meaning of Inverti In Darkness and more.

God, this video is all measures of hilarious and awful for so many reasons. It starts great and continues to get better from there. I love how Ed O’Brien (the guitarist in white who looks like a Spanish Chef) keeps dancing up and pulling away from the amp in order to get feedback. It’s like a crab’s biting his cock and he’s trying to shake it off.

Then at 0:46, Thom Yorke comes into shot and it’s totally time for the LOL’s. Holy fuck what was he thinking back then? He looks like he’s dressed up for Halloween or something.

Thom looks like he’s pissed off from the outset and continues to become even more worked up through the verse and chorus until he releases a tirade about Jim Morrison at 2:15 “If I grow my hair, maybe I will become Jim Morrison. Fat! Ugly! Dead!”. It’d take for more than you to grow your hair to become like Jim Morrison, Thom. You’d really need to start eating! And you’d have to become a woman beater as well.

After this hilarious outburst, Thom then flaps his arms like he’s been temporarily possessed by the disembodied spirit of Ian Curtis.

At 2:29 Thom loses it altogether by screaming “ANYWHERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” into the camera before howling at least 5 more times like a man possessed. At this point he looks and sounds like he’s being stabbed up the hole with a knife. Quite what made him so irritated is up for debate. Either way it is comedy Gold and I’m sure he’ll be showing his children this clip at Christmas for many years to come.

Thom calms down enough at 2:50 to sweep his hair back like he’s Marilyn Monroe or something. This wouldn’t be funny if he wasn’t butt ugly.

Thom, ever being the showman then caps off a wonderful performance by diving into the swimming pool at 3:09 before hopelessly buoying up in down in the poor like a blonde cork waiting for someone from the audience to rescue him.