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I’ve a confession to make. I’ve never liked Joy Division and this video changes nothing, but it doesn’t stop it being funny.

If you don’t know the Joy Division story then you aren’t missing out on much. Basically the singer Ian Curtis became depressed beyond tablets and hung himself because he knew the music they were creating was woeful. Joy Division then became New Order who continued on the fine tradition of creating woeful music. Instead of hanging himself the new lead singer Bernard Sumner cured his depression by devouring copious amounts of Carlsberg and chips.

This TV performance of She’s Lost Control is a perfect example of how bad they could be live.

Note : The fun only really begins at 0:54 so you can skip to that point if you can’t handle the band’s funeral dirge.

At this part of the song Ian Curtis swings into life as the guitarist showed the UK that he could actually play barre chords. Ian immediately enters the groove and starts dancing like your grandmother at a wedding.

He continues to work himself up throughout the next verse until he finally explodes at 1:37. Now many Joy Divison fans will profess that Ian Curtis’s dancing after this point is the height of cool. I’m here to swiftly dispel such lies. It looks like he’s running on an invisible treadmill for fucks sake and he’s worried that it’s going too fast and he’s gonna fall off the back of it.

The song continues on with the hapless chisel-chinned drummer trying to set a new world record for performing as many pointless drum fills as he possibly can in a vain attempt to waken up most of the UK who were now bored to tears by this point.

It continues. We have another boring verse about someone losing control. I can understand why someone would lose control whilst listening to this song, I nearly pissed myself deliberately just to feel alive. No wonder Joy Division fans cut themselves with garden trowels. I would if I was tone-deaf and could listen to this filth without feeling violated.

It continues.

“She’s lost control again! She’s lost control! She’s lost control again, she’s lost CONTROOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLL!”

Curtis returns to his invisible treadmill act, only this time he seems to be running horizontally. Perhaps he thinks he is being attacked by invisble bats like Johnny Depp in Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas? Who knows. I would have asked Ian himself but I doubt I’d have received a response.

Anyway, he continues on “dancing” until the end of the song. You get the impression he knows he looks like a twat and wants to stop but knows that if he stops dancing he’ll look like even more of a twat.  The rest of the band do their best to ignore him, as do the studio audience.

And after 3:39 of something which made waterboarding look like fun, it’s over. Hallejuah.